The following are things you can always expect from kids.
They will always grab the shortest pencil in the pencil box because it is more fun to write with a pencil that is one inch long. But they will always pick the largest pair of scis¬sors from the scissor box because it is more fun to cut with the big scissors.
If you pass out three Cheerios to each child, but one Cheerio is stuck to another Cheerio so that one child acci¬dentally gets four Cheerios, the child sitting next to the kid who got four Cheerios will scream, "That's not fair!"
* • •
If it is the teacher’s birthday, they will guess that you are older than you are. They will guess that you are a hundred.
• • •
When you hand out yardsticks, two boys will begin to sword fight. When they bring you the yardstick in two pieces, one will say, "It just broke."
When they are sitting in front of the overhead projector and you are tracing their silhouettes with white crayon onto black construction paper for Mother's Day gifts and tell them to sit perfectly still, they will move.
When the prince kisses Snow White, someone will say, "Yuck!" When the prince kisses Cinderella, someone will say, "Yuck!" When it is time for division, they will say, "Yuck," too.
• • •
When they are coloring in class, someone will start to hum. While riding in the bus on a field trip, someone will start to sing.
• • •
When you point to a paper on the floor and ask, "Whose is this?" no one will answer. When you say, "Pick this up," they will say, "It's not mine."
• • •
When they sit on the carpet to hear a story, they will play with their shoelaces and stare at their fingernails as if they have never seen shoelaces and fingernails before.
• • •
When you read the story, they will dig for staples in the carpet. When they find a staple, they will hand it to you as if you've been searching for it. When you show everyone the picture in the book, someone will say, "I can't see."
• • •
In the middle of a spelling test, someone will ask, "How many words are there?" After you cell them how many words there are, someone will ask, "How many words are there?"
Right before they jump off the jungle gym, they will shout, "Look!" When they are hanging upside down on the monkey bars, they will wave and call your name.
• • •
If they eat a red hot candy, they will stick out their tongue and ask you if their tongue is red. When you give them or¬ange slices, they will put the whole slice in their mouth and smile really big so you can see their new orange teeth.
• • •
If there is a beanbag chair in the room, someone will dive on it. If there is a beanbag chair in the room tomorrow, he will jump on it again.
• • *
When you make green and red paper chains in December, and each child only gets ten strips of paper, they will con¬nect all their chains to make the longest chain ever made.

When you say, "I have eyes behind my head," they will ask you to tell them what is behind you. When you say, "Give me one second," they will count to one.
• • •
If there's a swing, they will stand on it. If there's a slide, they will run up it. If there's a fence, they will kick the ball over it.
• • •
When there is an exit sign on the ceiling in the hall, they will jump up to hit it.
• • •
If the windows are foggy, they will trace their names on them. If your car is dirty, they will write "Clean Me!" on the back window.
• • •
When you tell them to go look up a word in a dictionary, they will come back and tell you that the word is not
there.
If you walk toward them with mistletoe, they will run. When they make valentines, they will sign them "From." When they eat their hollow chocolate Easter bunnies, they will always bite the ears off first.
They will always leave the last e out of sincerely and the d out of Wednesday. They will spell sure with an h, and the second letter m improve will be an n.
• • •
When you give them a measuring tape, they will pull it out all the way so that it won't go back in again. When they lean against the broom closet so you can measure their heights, they will stand on tiptoe.
• • •
When you drive behind the school bus on the way home, they will wave to you and make faces. If you wave and make faces too, they will laugh and keep waving and mak¬ing faces as long as you drive behind the bus.
• • •
When you get to school the next morning, they will run up to you and say they saw you driving behind the school bus yesterday as if you didn't know it was you behind them.
• • *
They will say "cinnamon" when it says "synonym." They will write as small as they can, and when you say, "Its too small. I can't read it," they will read it out loud to you.
If you act out Peter and the Wolf, all the boys will want to be Peter. If you act out Hansel and Gretel, all the girls will want to be Gretel. If you act out Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the whole class will want to be Dopey.
• • •
If there is both an electric pencil sharpener and a manual one In the room, they will always choose the electric sharpener, then grind the pencil down so far that they have to sharpen another one.
• • •
On the last day of school, one of the kids will cry. On the last day of school, so will I.

Back to School Night
The day before Back to School Night, Kim and I were decorating the cafeteria. Each teacher had to put up something their students had made. My kids drew self-portraits but Katie insisted on drawing a bear. So, I teach thirty-one kids and one koala. Kim's first graders wrote sentences about what their par¬ents do while they are at school.
Austin wrote, "When I'm at school, my mommy drops my sister off then goes home and watches TV."
Carlota wrote, "When I'm at school, my daddy goes some¬where, but I don't know where."
Debbie wrote, "When I'm at school, my mom goes to the su¬permarket and buys Pepsi Light."
And Lambert wrote, "When I'm at school, my dad builds ta¬bles." (Lambert's dad works in a bank.)
As Kim and I hung up the kids' work, I thought back to my very first Back to School Night. I remember when I walked into my classroom that first September and announced, "Boys and girls today we will not be doing math,"
Everyone cheered.
"Try not to be too upset," I said.
"Why aren't we doing math today?" Samantha asked.
"Because we are going to do art all day long, that's why," I an¬swered. "Back to School Night is tonight and look at those bul¬letin boards."
"What bulletin boards?" asked Richard.
"Just my point," I said. "Now here's some paper. Everyone draw pictures of yourselves. And draw them really big because I have to fill up all those boards."
After an hour, the bell rang for recess. The kids went outside. I ran into the principal in the hall.
"Hey, Frank, how long am I supposed to talk to my parents tonight?" I asked.
"One hour," he replied.
"What!" I screamed. "I can't talk for an hour! What am I going to talk about for an hour?"
"Oh, you'll do fine. Just make a plan," he said. And he walked away.
A plan? Yes, a plan. That was a good idea.
So I began to make a plan: First I'll greet them (that will take five seconds). Then I'll welcome them all (five more seconds). Then I'll introduce myself (ten seconds). Great, I thought. I have filled twenty seconds.
I was in trouble.
I went to see Mike. Mike had been teaching for years. Surely he'd have some good ideas.
"Hi, Mike," I said. "What are you doing for Back to School Night?"
"Oh, we're playing a game," he said.
"A game?"\ screamed. "What sort of game?"
"Oh, one where the parents have to mix and mingle and find out information about each other," he explained. "It's a good ice¬breaker."
"I don't have time to break any ice!" I shouted. "My kids are doing art!"
I left Mike and went to Lisa’s room.
"Hi, Lisa. What are you doing for Back to School Night?" I
asked.
"Oh, I'm doing a slide show." She smiled. "A slide show?” I yelled.
"Yep. I love doing a slide show. 1 just show the slides and talk. That way I don't have to look at the parents. And they don't have to look at me because they're looking at the slides."
"Great idea!" I said. "I'll do a slide show too. What kind of slides do you show?" I asked.
"Well," she explained, "I took pictures over the last two weeks of all the kids doing different activities and had them made into slides."
"Can I use them?" I asked.
"They're of my kids," Lisa said.
I grinned. "Do you think the parents would notice?"
"Out!" she screamed, pointing to the door.
I went to see Marion. She was greasing a cookie sheet.
"Hi, Marion. I need some ideas for Back to School Night. What are you doing for tonight?" I asked.
I looked at the cookie sheet and began shaking my head.
"Don't tell me," I said slowly.
"What?" she asked.
"You're not" I cried.
"Not what?" she asked.
"Tell me you're not making cookies," I whined.
She nodded. "We're making them after lunch, and then we're decorating them. And they wrote their own cookie poems. Want to see them?"
"No! I do not want to see their cookie poems!" I screamed. "I don't have time to decorate cookies and write cookie poems!"
"Don't worry," Marion said. "I'm sure whatever you do will be wonderful."
The bell rang, I walked back to my room. On my way, I ran into Frank again.
"Oh, Phil," he said, "don't forget. Tonight you also need to tell your parents about your goals and expectations for the year."
''Goals? What goals?"
"Your goals for the year."
"Goals for the year?" I screamed. "My goal is to get through tonight!"
I walked into my classroom and opened the closet.
"Why are you pulling out Monopoly?" Samantha asked.
"I thought it would be a good icebreaker."
Frank popped his head in.
"Hey, I'm going to the store after school. Can I get you any¬thing?" he asked.
"Yeah, can you pick me up a couple of bags of Oreos? I thought I should serve some cookies. No, wait! Get Fig Newtons. They take longer to chew."
"No problem," he said. "Fig Newtons comin' right up."
At three thirty the kids left and 1 began to clean the room. I put up the artwork, straightened my piles, scraped glue off the desks, threw everything that was on my desk into my desk, changed the newspaper in the rabbit cage, borrowed a couple of sunflowers from the vase in the office, dusted the globes, hid my correcting basket, put the sunflowers in a coffee can, and pulled out a bunch of books on space so parents would think I'm teach¬ing it.
At seven o'clock I opened the door. A man walked in, shook my hand, and said hello. He did not say his child's name. I did not want to ask, "Who are you?" So I took a guess.
"You must be Rodney's dad," I said hesitantly.
"Yes." He smiled.
Why do all parents assume that I will know exactly who they are at Back to School Night when I have never seen them before? I just love playing Guess the Parent.
Next a mom came up to me and shook my hand.
"Chip is just loving this class," she said.
I smiled really big.
Who is Chip? I thought.
"He talks about school every day," she said.
I continued to smile and shake her hand.
Who the hell is Chip?
"How's he doing in class?" she asked.
"Uh," I said, "well... he's..."
Maybe she's in the wrong room, I thought.
Then it hit me.
"Oh, Charles!" I screamed. "Yes, yes. Of course. Charles! You're Charles's mom! Charles is doing great. I mean Chip. Chip is doing great. Just great."
I gave a big sigh. Guess the Child is fun to play too.
Soon the rest of the parents streamed in. They walked around the room admiring the bulletin boards and the space books. Finally I asked everyone to please take their seats and began my presentation.
"Good evening," I said. "I'd like to welcome you all to Back to School Night. My name is Mr. Done. I'm so happy you all came tonight."
I glanced down at my watch. Fifty-nine minutes and forty seconds to go. I looked up.
"Uh . . . would anyone like a cookie?"

Tired
I am so glad I am not a first-year teacher anymore. The first year is definitely the hardest. My first year I would teach all day, stay at work till seven, go home, eat, and return to school till ten or eleven o'clock at night just to be ready for the following day. I was exhausted. Then the next day I'd do it all over again. My only friend was Al, the night custodian. He sang Russian folk songs while I laminated.
One day I decided I needed a break. Plus the laminator was broken. So I left school early. On my way home, I stopped by some new model homes. I love visiting model homes. The tables are not covered with stickers. The toilet seats are clean. The garbage cans are empty. But the best part is that the kids who live there are just make believe.
I walked inside the first model and was greeted by a very nice real estate agent named Mary. She did not give me her business card. Somehow she realized that I could not afford the pillow on the couch. Maybe it was the paint on my shoes that gave me away. Or maybe it was the glitter glue I was wearing on my slacks.
I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I don't know why I did this. Force of habit, I guess. The fridge was empty, so I went upstairs. I walked straight into the bathroom.
There was no door. So I didn't use it. Now I know why they keep the doors off.
Then I walked into the master bedroom. There in the center of the room was a queen-size bed with about seventeen pillows and some sort of canopy over it. Nobody else was upstairs. So I sat down on the bed. It was very comfortable.
"Hellooooo!" said a voice.
I opened my eyes. Mary stood over me smiling.
"Time to wake up, sunshine," she sang.
I popped up. The pillow was covered with drool.
"Uh ..." I laughed. "Looks like I fell asleep."
"You sure did, sweetie."
I turned over the pillow, ran down the stairs, and out the front door. Now when I visit model homes, I stay downstairs.